"Truth is What Stands...

... the test of experience," said Albert Einstein. Smart man, that one. I think that is a great quote because really, it's so freakin' true. Randall and I finally fully watched the movie Zeitgeist the other night. It was hard to sleep because of the anxiety and madness it creates to you. To think, an entire world of people being misled by a small group of power hungry men... it's just like all the stories. The bible even talks about it happening. So, what to do about it? The way that the government is headed with movements like the Patriot Act, you would think that they are trying to gain full control of everything... and I'm pretty sure they are.

In fact, I think just about everyone on earth can feel something happening. A tangible feeling like something bad is going to happen, but, when something bad happens something I would like to think that an equal amount of good must happen. At least, that is my own opinion. Cause and effect, action and reaction. It saddens me when people fail to think on their own and rely on the media and crooked old men to dictate what to think and who to idolize. I just want to be ready. I want my family ready. I am ready, at least mentally ready, which is all I can be.

It's Monday again in my life. Yet another reminder that I should be at work, but I'm not. I possibly have someone lined up for an interview either today or tomorrow, but I'm just waiting on a call back. I'm keeping up hope though. I've let myself sort of believe that this week might be the week I land a job. But then again, I've said that the last 5 weeks, I think. I've got all my summary of skills made and a new found energy to try and break out of my usual shell and be the someone that they all want. Let's see how good my acting skills are... haha. :)

I've started writing my first songs recently. I wrote my first a few weeks back and then another last night (both with lyrics with guitar!) It's pretty exciting because I've never really attempted to write a song on the guitar. The last time I tried it ended up being exactly the same guitar as a Jewel song. (Ew!) It helps me feel like I've accomplished something in my day. Also, I've been practicing the piano a lot, too. A couple weeks ago, our friend Danny let me borrow his awesome, full keyboard piano. It's just about the most exciting loaner gift I've ever received! It's awesome to be able to play it whenever I want or just pick up my guitar and play, though I do pity our poor neighbors. Here's a pic of me and Argent e Nero! (above)

What a Good Weekend...

... this was! Randall and I ended up getting a hotel room at the Hilton by Sky Harbor Airport. We watched most of the Suns game against the Rockets at Matt's house, then we went to dinner at Cheesecake Factory. It, of course, was really good. He got the salmon special and I got the usual, chicken and biscuits. Then, we went back to our hotel room and watched No Country for Old Men and enjoyed each other's company. It was a very relaxing and loving time.

Today is Easter. I am glad that we were able to meet with at least part of the family today. Randall, me, Jace and his fam, and Val and hers, all got together at Val's house and ate and talked and played poker. I don't know who ended up winning, but it sure wasn't me or Randall. I'm pretty sure it was going to be either Jace or Summer... those dogs! :) It was a really good time, all in all.

We DID end up winning our soccer game on Friday. So we do have a 2-0 record... woo-hoo! Let's hope we can keep it going! It was a really fun game. Randall scored 2 of the 4 goals. He's amazing. The whole team played really well. I only had probably a total of 10 minutes playing time, due to there being too many girls on the team. I had one mess-up and one okay play and that's about all to talk about... either way, I had a good time and look forward to next week's game and improving on what little skill I have left from my younger days. I used to be so much better... :(

Well, tomorrow is Monday and I really hope that I get some nibbles at my lure of a resume. I should be giving out prizes, or something, to every employer to contact me, as an incentive. Either that or turn to prostitution, because honestly, I don't know what else I'm going to have to do to land a job. I'm going to give it my all this week though. I fear that I might just have to bite the bullet and get a crappy filler job until I get my career-headed job. But I don't know about that because I'm already getting unemployment and that's like working a part-time crappy job anyways. Oh well, we shall see what come up this week...

Weekends Don't Have the Same Meaning...

... when you are unemployed. But, it's Friday, again. At least today I have something to look forward to out of my house. Tonight I start my first game on a new soccer team Randall and I have joined. He played a first game last week, which honestly, I didn't even want him playing. But after I saw him playing and saw that they were in need of girls, I decided I better just join then have to watch him have all that fun without me every week. I only didn't want him to do it because A.) He is already on a Tuesday night soccer team B.) Mondays and Tuesdays are his EMT classes and C.) Thursdays and Fridays are almost always busy for him trying to get all the things done he couldn't do the other nights of the week, therefore leaving a lot more alone time for me to go quietly insane in my unemployment blur of a life.

I am excited for tonight though. I even got new cleats a couple days ago and finally, hopefully, my feet won't be DYING after a game for once. I have had my old cleats since 7th or 8th grade. They have never felt "good" on my feet. They have hard soft-ground spikes and are like a size and a half too small. On the happy side of things, they are the perfect size for Weston's sister Keri who doesn't have any cleats at the moment so yeah... good times. Hopefully when I write on here next I will have good news, writing of our 2-0 record!

I cannot, however, say the same for my job search. My favorite of the 4 interviews I have done called me yesterday to tell me that they had gone with another girl. They said it was between me and her and they ended up choosing her after discussing it. I wonder why she got the job and I didn't. It must be because I didn't fully explain my previous job duties and knowledge enough. I would have been a PERFECT fit for that position they were creating... I had just done the exact thing with my previous company. I will be better prepared at my next interview with more viewing material of my skills, so that they cannot forget me, like it seems that these employers have done. I, unfortunately, seem to be either their first interview, or one of their first, and I think that's what has been killing my luck, too. I've got to fight harder!

Tomorrow is me and Randall's anniversary! We still don't know exactly what we will be doing. Maybe the Renaissance Festival, maybe camping, maybe just dinner and a day of dates? I don't know. Either way, this has been a most interesting and extremely learning-filled last four years. It's like I'm the same person I was then, I just have experienced so much just in these couple years that helps mold my view of existence into of what it is now. It's like, I should be so happy right now, and I would totally be, it's just this job thing that is killing me. I know we will have a good time tomorrow, whatever we will be doing, because we will be doing it together. There is never a dull moment in the vortex that Randall and I create when we're together. Easily sucked into hours of seemingly meaningless conversations and debates and flirting and play fighting and laughing and just being... together.

I love you Randall James Brooks III!!

It's Becoming Harder....

... to stay optomistic when you've been actively searching for work for 1.5 months. The interview I had mentioned previously was with a woman who seemed to hate me immediately. Why do some people immediately not like me before even speaking with me? I can see it in their faces. "What a nice office this is!", I said, honestly. She just looked at me then let out this scuff/sigh that sounded like, "You wouldn't know" and then didn't say anything else. I know she heard me, but she didn't listen to me for the entire interview. When she would ask me a question, I would go to answer, but she seemed to know my life better than I did and would try and finish my sentences for me, but she would assume the wrong things and it got really awkward at time because she would try and finish my sentence with something that was completely against the truth or just how it really was. She had created a negative image of me before she even started talking to me. Maybe it was because I wasn't wearing 8 pounds of jewelry like she was or had bleached blonde hair. Good riddance to her.

But, that still doesn't help my worsening self-esteem, as of late. Random people don't even like me. The majority of my family would have me be someone entirely different than who I am. I have no friends. Randall even will think differently of me out of no where or put words in my mouth or assume that I feel a certain way, when it is completely not that way. Why does this happen so often? Why does it feel like no one actually KNOWS me? Or that no one LISTENS to me. It's not a new thing at all. It started along with all my other major problems around when I was 13 or so. I'm assuming it has to be some fault of mine. Though, for the life of me, I cannot figure out what it could be.

Maybe because I ride the fence so much in life and therefore sometimes seemingly hypocritical or actually hypocritical. I will appear to have a carefree attitude about things, but that doesn't mean that I'm not thinking or will make poor decisions. I dressed modestly and professionally to this interview. My outfit was clean and coordinated. She had seen me walking up to the building and out of politeness I waved to her before I went inside, not even knowing who she was. She ended up being the woman I was to meet with and as soon as she walked in the door behind me I could tell that this interview wouldn't go well at all.

I just don't see why I have such a hard time with certain people... I immediate push their "I Hate You" buttons. It's been like that since like, what, 4th grade? When a girl in my class punched me twice in the nose and made me bleed because she didn't like that I was always happy. She was about to punch me again when I pushed her. She landed on her back, scraping it up on the ashphalt and I was the one who got suspended. She initiated the fight out of no where, made me bleed, I defended myself, and I got suspended and she didn't. And such was and is my life. I can only hope that there will be an interviewer, friend, family member, or random stranger that sees me for who I really am and not what they think they know me as. I try and never, ever do that to anyone, thus I should suffer a similar act.

It's Always Because of Someone Else...

It's always because of someone else that I start writing anything journal-like, whether in an actual journal or online. Today Rebecca, my sister, wrote an email to all of us inviting us to view her new blogspot. So, in turn that made me want to try and start writing on here again... Heaven knows, I have the time.

I am currently still actively searching for a job. I have been unemployeed over 40 days now and have sent out over 80 resumes. I have had 2 interviews (plus one 2nd interview with one of those interviews) and have another one this afternoon.... so 3 places out of the 80 I applied to have gotten back with me. I, fortunately, filed for unemployment soon after being laid off and that has helped with my money situation immensely.

You'd think that I would enjoy this time off more, but it's actually been extremely stressful. So stressful that it completely doesn't feel like I have had any time off. If definitely hasn't been a vacation. But I'm sure that someday here soon, someone, somewhere will hire me and I can once again breath and start dreaming of my future. It's hard to think of the future when you're not doing anything to progress and get there, ya know?

For example, Randall and I will be celebrating our choppy, but wonderful, four years together come this Saturday. Although we are not engaged yet, we still talk about what we will do together with our first house and when, God-willing, we start having children. Our original goal was to try and get a house as soon as our lease is up this coming October, but I don't think that will be possible unless I get a GREAT job and his business takes off flying or he lands his ultimate job: being a firefighter. The market is perfect right now, and unfortunately, my situation couldn't be more grim.

Currently Randall is taking night classes to become an EMT. It's really exciting for him to be learning all of that stuff. Not only because I like learning the bits and pieces of information from him, but I like that he will always have that knowledge, even if he didn't end up using it in a career setting. He is blessed with many talents and I do not fear for our future in any way. We're just getting a slow start on things; I'm sure our lives together will get a jump-start here soon... I can feel it.

The picture above was taken two weeks ago at a Phoenix Roadrunners game. It was SOOOOO much fun. We had the best seats, right on the glass, right across from the teams. I don't know why I always attract the mascots, but I do. I even called it. Before we sat down in our seats, I was like, "Randall, don't get mad when the mascot comes and starts flirting with me!" And sure enough at the break between the 2nd and 3rd quarters, here comes the mascot "Rocky the Roadrunner" up to the glass in front of us, as "Hey hey you you I don't want your girlfriend" started playing, so he signaled to Randall that he should be killed with a feather-finger to his neck and that I should be his new girlfriend. Rocky kept skating by me after that so I took this picture... good times... haha..